The holidays can be a stressful time of the year for any parent. Overbuying, over-eating, and an extreme amount of budgeting and time juggling often make Christmas, or Hanukkah, or any other holiday celebrations more stressful than fun for the average parent. However, some parents this Christmas may have an additional burden that is weighing on their hearts and souls. For whatever reason, whether it is by divorce, through a child's passing, or by mere separation, there are many parents out there who will not be celebrating the holidays with their children this year - these are the parents I would like to speak to today.
My heart breaks for you and I empathize with your situation. Getting through the holidays can often be hard enough without dealing with the pain of the absence of your children. However, there are coping mechanisms and ways to make your holiday joyful, even without your kids. Remember, a positive attitude, regardless of the situation, can often make a huge difference in how you perceive an event or experience. What follows, are some tips for helping you to not just get through the holidays without your kids, but to maybe even enjoy them a little, while keeping your kids close to the heart.
First, keep your integrity. Being angry and resentful of the situation will not help anything and will only make you and those around you miserable. Take care of yourself. Don't let yourself fall into a depression, but concentrate on eating right, sleeping right, and getting some exercise. Focus on the positive things in your life, instead of on the negative. These simple actions will go a long way in helping you to feel better about your current circumstances. However, realize that it is OKAY to feel sad or lonely, but don't let it consume you. Grieve the loss of time with your child/children for that holiday season and then move on and find something cheerful to do.
If your kids are in foster care or with another parent during the holidays, maybe start a new holiday tradition or celebrate the holidays on the day closest to Christmas that you will see them. Take the time to make sure they have their special holiday moment, even if yours is not perfect. Then, if you are alone for the real holiday, you have a few options. You could either surround yourself with close family and friends, who will help you to share in the laughter and love without your children, or if you feel that will be too painful for you, perhaps choose an activity for that day that does not involve children at all. Maybe spend it with some friends who do not have children, or better yet plan to do a service project with your wife/husband/partner/single friend on that day.
Sometimes serving others can refocus your pain into a positive direction. Find a local shelter or soup kitchen that serves meals during the holidays. Perhaps volunteering while helping others will alleviate your pain and give you an activity to do to get your mind off of not having your children around.
Also, remember that being productive and decorating for the holidays even in the absence of your children, while it can make you feel sad, can also help you to feel close to your kids. Put up a tree and lights, and fill your house with the sights and sounds that your kids always loved around the holidays. The death of a child or the absence of your children in the home can be depressing, so sometimes keeping things as normal as possible for yourself and your other kids can help to move past the painful moments.
Additionally, take the time without your kids to refocus this holiday season. Remember your own personal goals and count your other blessings. Take the quiet time to determine how you are going to make things better in the future, or what you are going to do for the next holiday season that will allow you to have time with your kids. Reflect on the memories of your child and perhaps find a way to memorialize their favorite holiday moments.
Remember, that while not having the presence of your children during the holidays can be painful, there is good in each and every moment. My thoughts go out to the families and community of Sandy Hook, Connecticut, where many families will be celebrating these holidays without some of their children. Tears are brought to my eyes in compassion and grief for any of you out there who the death of a child has removed them from your presence - I am sure, making the holidays feel unbearable. To that, I wish to say...this blog today was not written without sympathy and my prayers, nor is it intended to be a flippant response to grieving the death of child. This blog was written so that maybe, one day in the future, you will be ready to face the holidays and may find joy in them once again.
For the rest of the parents out there. When you have the opportunity to hug your children this holiday season, please do so. Tell them you love them. Whether you get to celebrate Christmas day with them or not, find a reason to be joyful this December. For there are so many families out there that will be struggling to find a reason for joy. Strive for peace, love, and positivity. Find alternative ways to celebrate and always focus on the real reason for the season. Enjoy your week and enjoy your kids!
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